Post Modern Weight Control

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My first post-modern secret to weight control is to not have a full-length mirror. I learned this the hard way when I recently got a view of myself in a room with mirrored walls. Not good. Not good at all.

In our house we don’t have any full-length mirrors…they all only show me from about the third button of my shirt on up. So I’ve been feeling pretty good about my weight situation. I wear loose-fitting clothes and everything is pretty good. It was a dark day when I encountered the mirrored walls. I now am trying to convince myself that the mirrors were those trick fun-house mirrors that make you look short, squat, and chunky.

My second post-modern secret to weight control is to ridicule the artificial skinny-standards of our culture. After all, who determined that the ideal weight for a man my height is 65 pounds? It’s awkwardly arbitrary and absurdly absolute. I categorically reject the imposition of those values on me.

My third post-modern secret to weight control is to buy bigger shirts. In fact, I think the manufacturers are helping me out on this one, I notice that the same size shirts have more fabric than they used to. Pretty soon I’ll be wearing a pup-tent, but as long as it says size 16 on it, I’ll believe that I’m in good shape.

And my final secret, write this one down, hang out with larger people; although they’re getting harder and harder for me to find. So if you find that I’m trying to spend a lot of time with you…you might want to buy smaller mirrors.

In fact, I think my secrets are more than post-modern; they’re uber-modern! I’m breaking new ground here. Not only am I denying ultimate and objective reality, I’m eating blueberry blintzes as I do it! This is  uncharted territory my friends, in the thrilling world of philosophical silliness.